Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
