u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What a dumb baby whore.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
