i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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