sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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