I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
