it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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