Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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