90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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