ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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