if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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