my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I looked at my own cervix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
