I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Damn victory sex feels great
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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