I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
