Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
