Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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