what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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