guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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