mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
you never un-have a 4some
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
