I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize