I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
