Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
