meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
