some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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