If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
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Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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