I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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