I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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