everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
