i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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