Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
