I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
