I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
