Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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