She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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