Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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