Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
