I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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