I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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