i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
