last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.