I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.