right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.