Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila