I hate all girls vehemently.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just threw up on my dentist
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
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i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
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What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from