Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
