I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
