I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
