I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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