I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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