Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
