I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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