I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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