mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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