he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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