I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
