Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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