true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
